Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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