did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
