If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
