Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
