When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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