Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
