i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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