when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
