Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
