btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
