this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
