Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Send help, water and tortillas.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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