Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize