also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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