Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize