you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
