hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
