you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Randomize
