Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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