the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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