we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
