Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
