Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
