he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
