Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
