I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
