remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
