I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
