Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Dignity is for republicans.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
