he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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