I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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