I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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