I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
