just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
