well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
