Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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