I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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