saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He? As in you personified your dick?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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