Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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