Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize