smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
