Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
