All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
