I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
