I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
