Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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