i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
