don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
