My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
sarcasm needs its own font
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
