I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
