I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
