Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
