I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
