I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
