I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
