I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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