Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
