I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
