i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
It was like getting head from an anaconda
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
