oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
